brownian motion

Life's simple pleasures. Oft overlooked, taken for granted in the quest for the "big" things. But a good book, the look of adoration on your child's face, watching the sun rise with a steaming cup of tea for company..that's where it is really at. Now if only I could always remember that!

Just hope ever-hopeful me doesn't become bitter. That, now, would be a real tragedy!

Somtimes, you SO want to believe in the goodness of a person..for your own sake, not the person's.

At times, I'm convinced my mind is my greatest ally. It can rise to the occasion, dealing calmly and logically with the most stressful scenarios. At others...it can be quite a trickster. Just when I'm sure I've forgiven someone totally/moved on/made peace with a particular situation...I discover that it was but an illusion and I am back at square one. Damn!!

It's our tenth wedding anniversary today. Trivia for "Nadhika" fans :P: Nikhil and I both owned steel grey BSA SLR bikes when at school...and we both listened to the Top Gun soundtrack before leaving the house during the 10th standard board exams...and we didn't even know each other then!!!! Is that a coincidence or WHAT? :P

Can't believe it's a decade already. Time really does fly! Looking back, we've had some good times, some bad...mostly good. There is no one on earth I can be so totally myself with..and be so assured of total acceptance and love. Have learnt to appreciate how rare this really is... Happy anniversary mate!

One more cliche borne out today...The only thing constant is change...nothing is an exception, not even the closest of relationships. And much as you abhor change, there is really no sense in resisting it. Doing so would be very foolish indeed. The thing to do is to go with the flow and be true only to yourself.

And then, there are remnants of the old in the new, aren't they? As another cliche goes..the more things change, the more they remain the same!

If this post makes no sense to you..I don't blame you. It makes perfect sense to me at the moment. (No madhav, don't have a private LJ :P)

A couple of you tagged me some time ago...so here goes!

25 random things about me:

1. I quite like myself. Most of the time anyway.

2. I get very deeply involved in relationships with people I really care about.

3. When such people stop reciprocating, I have a very tough time moving on.

4. If there's one thing I could change about myself, it would be the above.

5. I can be very objective about myself.

6. I can be extremely lazy (see..told you I could be objective :P)

7. A lot of people confide in me.

8. When in my teens, I did not really honour the trust reposed in me by my "confiders."

9. This is something I feel really ashamed about.

10. Strangely enough, none of my friendships ever fell through because of this deplorable tendency. Even when my friends found out and were hurt, they never dumped me. I am grateful to them for that.

11. I have since reformed this bad habit. I am now completely trust-worthy!

12. I wish I had been a better daughter to my dad.

13. I could be a better mother, but I'm not bad.

14. I could definitely be a MUCH better wife.

15. I am the best friend you could EVER have. I am loyal to a fault, and will ALWAYS stand by you.

16. While most people I know agree that a real friend is difficult to find, I find it strange how they can be blind to a friend like me! :D But seriously, some of my closest friends have gone on to find me expendable. Without good reason. And the strangest bit is that I know they really cared about me at one point.

18. I think romantic love is everything it is purported to be. You will never find me saying "love is overrated." Never.

19. I have felt the excruciating pain of unrequited love.

20. I love animals and am good with them, especially dogs and cats. I'm not very good with kids though.

21. There are a few things about me that even I find inexplicable.

22. Why I cannot stick to a diet and exercise routine--when I desperately need to--is one of them.

23. Am working on the above.

24. I completely believe in Dr. Brian Weiss's theory of reincarnation and past-life debts.

25. Because of the above, I believe I will find true (and everlasting) friendship in my next birth! :D

I work the 8 to 1 shift now. This means I leave the house at an insanely early hour. The mornings are a blur of frenetic activity, as I try and compress all my chores into an hour-and-a half. But the moment I step out, it's like I switch off the homemaker. The commute is exclusively me-time. This is when I am neither wife, mother nor employee. I am just me.

As I look out the window, the sun's rays gently carressing my face...I cannot but feel blessed. At peace. Every single day. Early mornings do that to me. Even the abject poverty I witness on my way doesn't seem as depressing. Maybe the hope that comes with a new day tints my view.

Thoughts flit in and out of my mind, as is their wont. Something about this hour helps me deal with the more painful ones with equanimity. Accept facts. Move on. At this hour, it's all good.

I just love the new year! A time filled with such hope...it's like being presented with a beautiful diary in which you want to write of goals achieved, relationships nurtured, happy times spent...I personally value this day more than any festival.

Saw''Jaane tu..ya jaane na'' sometime last week. Most of you must have seen it too, if its 'blockbuster' status is anything to go by. Not a bad film, though I had higher expectations from Mr. Tyrewala. Remember reading a review on LJ, think it was by Madhav..and I agreed with most of what he had say..specially about the group of friends being insipid. Would add 'very' before his 'insipid' though. It just didn't work for me, the group!

The film also set me thinking about something else. I'm a bit tired of the recurring theme ''We thought we were just best friends, but guess what? It was love!'' We have made the journey from 'When Harry met Sally' to 'Made of honour' and we continue to come up with the same startling 'LOVE!!' conclusion. It's like it just isn't possible for two people of the opposite sex to be incredibly connected..and spared by cupid. I object to the ''just'' friends tag..it's like implying that friendship inherently lacks depth of feeling. I personally feel that friendship can sometimes be more layered, more complex, more meaningful than the rather one-dimensional aspect of a romantic relationship. Am all for the celebration of love at the movies...only wish someone would think of exploring the non-romantic kind.

As I sit hunched up at my desk, agonising over an article I'm commissioned to write, my mind wanders. To a time, eons ago, when I would put pen to paper and the words would just flow, as if of their own accord. Where I didn't really worry about syntax and style, and just wrote. I still remember the weird trance like state I went into at 11, writing the prize winning essay at the school-wide competition at Scindia Kanya Vidyalaya.

The irony is that today, when I measure every word, trying to write sentences that 'read well', they come out far more stilted than when I wrote with abandon. This is what comes with trying too hard, I guess. You lose out on soul.

Thinking of this bygone period of my life also takes me back to the one person linked inextricably to that time- Abhijit. We had such good times based on our love for two things- Good food and the English Language. We'd call each other every single day, and meet almost every other, usually checking out new eateries and bantering through the evening. The common interests led to the forging of a really close and comfortable relationship between us, and extended to the sharing of confidentialities, fears, insecurites...there was no one we were more 'ourselves' with. Then I moved to Pune, and we both got caught up in our own routines, all but losing touch.

Now, I have this quality...drawback, actually, since it has lead me to hurt ever so often. When I bond with a person, REALLY bond with a person, it is for life. I seem unable to change my stance, and find it bewildering that others are able to. So when I heard that Abhijit and his family were now stationed in Mumbai, I was all agog with excitement. I traced his number and announced I was coming over to meet him. But once we were face to face, I found him strangely distant, even formal. I felt almost foolish about having been so enthusiastic about getting back in touch. Not wanting to prolong the awkwardness, I got up to leave. At the door, the Abhijit of old, my closest pal, made a reappearance '' You used to write so well. Do you still do?'' ''No'' I replied ''Lost the spontainety somewhere''.

Sometimes, giving up takes more courage than holding on.

Met parag the other day. Some people are so uncomplicated..he is certainly one of them. He had come over for a simple home cooked meal, and I actually felt like it was one of my relatives who was visting. He's so natural, it really is refreshing . Maybe it's just me, but when my invitation to come over is met with a ready ''Sure, I'll be there''..it just feels good , besides saving a lot of energy . It's exhausting dealing with the nakhre wale bhaav khau types :P

College is getting busier..something else that feels good. Life is pure contentment at the moment..touch wood!

The last week or so, I have had such quality ''me'' time, I'm consciously cherishing every minute of every day. My daily routine comprises packing the husband and kid off, finishing my morning chores as quickly as possible, and then settling down to read the newspaper leisurely, followed by a visit to the ''books and movies'' library. Have been watching a movie every single day, all by myself, (except for the weekend when I had college) and finishing reading a book every two. Must say I have found my own company very enjoyable indeed :P...so much so, friends have had to really cajole me into going out and have accused me of being pricey. Have been feeling more content than I remember feeling in a long time. Yes, the best relationship is truly with oneself.

'' Sigmund Freud, was, as you all probably know, Russian''. Loose translation- ''Your husband took a day off work so he could babysit, you woke up at dawn , made the kaam wali bai come an hour early, cooked two meals, woke up offspring early on her one day off at school to bathe and dress her, commuted for 45 minutes and made it in time for this lecture ..WHY?''

This is easily the year I am least proud of. Looking back, I seem to have done nothing constructive..in fact, I think it would be safe to dub 2007 the year when I simply existed. That's all.

But wait..I did learn a few things. You know, they really should change ''You always hurt the one you love'' to ''The one you love always hurts you''. Hurt people who truly love me, was hurt by those I truly love...but while I can do nothing about the latter, I am definitely going to remember how shitty it feels and try and be more sensitive towards the people I can afford to take for granted. Shouldn't be too difficult..there are so few of these anyway :P

Another sobering revelation this year..I am not as indispensible as I thought I was. Maybe not even in the picture anymore. Was in denial about this, raged and ranted inwardly (at times outwardly..not proud to reveal), put my self respect on hold ..till one day, I made my peace with it. Just like that :)

Only towards the fag end of the year have I started taking responsibilty for myself again..Have gone back to college, am taking better care of my health..And I will continue doing so in 2008. Just know I will ..yeah, am back, baby! :D

Shan't be looking up words anymore. Is pointless really, given the sorry state my memory is in (example of sorry state-tried to open neighbour's house yesterday and wondered very seriously for a minute why the key wouldn't fit..) . And any word I don't know by the age of 33, is hardly likely to be used by already-semi-senile-me EVER..or do you think I'll be making an egregious mistake? (yup..looked up 'egregious' a second ago)

We were like chalk and cheese, Adi and I. I, irreverent, forever laughing, overweight. He, troubled, brooding, devastatingly handsome. Yet, I was the only one who had access to some chinks in his armour. No one else could relate to him. To be very honest, there were times I wanted to give up too. When he would exasperatingly retreat into his shell and refuse to be drawn out, when he laughed at me and called me an emotional fool (which was often)...but somehow, where Adi was concerned, I just couldn't apply the rules I did other people. When we fought, it was always I who extended the olive branch. All along, I rationalised my behaviour as ''Oh, but he has no one else other than me..''

In fact, he reiterated this the last time we ever talked ..it was also the first time he had ever taken the initiative to make up after a particularly bad argument. He said ''Radhika, you are the only family I have ever had ''. This was the closest he ever came to being 'senti'. A few days later, he was gone, having committed the rashest act of all.

Today, when I look back at my ''selfless'' behaviour with Adi, I realise that my pompous belief that I was in a relationship where I was the sole giver, the 'exemplary loyal friend' was oh so false! I realise that I subconsciously knew that there was no one else who so had my interest at heart, no one else who always wanted the best for me..no one else who cared as much. I was receiving as much, perhaps more, than I gave.

I miss you so very much today Adi..you SO were my family too.

Like apni Marlene said ''It's the friends you can call up at 4 AM that matter''...Here's wishing one such friend a very happy birthday!

Have a wonderful day and year supersam5..you're the best!

Orkut scrap greeting me this morning-

''''hi! hey 1 of ma frnz sent dis msg 2 me. u just 4ward it 2 sum1 else. send this to 15 people in 143 mins. when you are done press F6 and your crushes name will appear on the
screen in big letters. this is scary cuz it works!!!! if you break the chain
you will have problems with relationships for the next 11 years...........SORRY YAAR I CANT HELP
Because you have opened this... you will get kissed on the nearest possible Friday by the love of your life... if you don't break the chain. Tomorrow will be the best day of your life. However, if you don't send this to at least 10 people AND NOT ME by the stroke of midnight tonight you will be forever cursed in love. ''

So ok, I once said ''Being 30+ and on Orkut should be a punishable crime''. I hereby amend it to 13+.